"We are vulnerable because we chose to be"

I decided to enter my immediate feelings once I got back from the Township. You will hear about each day, as the following week goes on. But, here's my immediate reaction?

You may get a lot of different tones while reading this entry from me. If you have been reading this blog, many of you know I have not had access to a computer because I was in the township of Guguletu. I've learned a lot of things about myself, and I think it is about time I share them with you. I'll enter the days of Gugs day by day, because you'll get sick of me and think, "geez Maryam, it is true, you do talk a lot."

Many of you may not know this, but in the past six months, I do not remember the last time I have laughed so hard. While being at the township and in Cape Town this far, I can not tell you how much I have laughed throughout this trip. In one of the leadership papers I have wrote, I said when I look back on the life I have lived I said I wanted to make sure I was happy. For the couple of months I haven't been, except for these past few weeks. I thank everyone in my group, Aaron, and everyone that I have met here for that.

While waiting in line for lunch one day, I stood next to Edwin, the director of the community center. He told me, "You act so comfortable here. You are very culturally exposed, why is that?" I told him my background and where I've traveled and he immediately understood. Later that day I thought, how come am I so comfortable here, and not in the U.C.? Is it because I don't put myself in the uncomfortable position? Am I not open to being vulnerable? He asked what I want to do, and I told him my ideas about Human Resources and Family Social Science, and he goes, with the cultural experiences you have had so far you would be great. I am often one that feels they need to be praised without asking for it, and hearing that really hit home for me.

During the homestays I have had here, I can not express the amount of love that was shown to me. Guguletu I can call my second home. THe body language that has been shown to me, and I've never voluntarily helped so much in a home and happy to do it, makes me feel like I am such a snot to not want to do it at home. It is almost as if I do not give enough. They live so simple here, I did not have running hot water here the whole time, and I thought about how much I take things for granted. For some people, it is a big deal to use newspaper as toilet paper. That women here don't even use feminine products if they're not able to purchase. Here I am, stocking for a whole school year. Or knowing that I do have a meal coming at me and thinking some people have to search for money to buy their meal before hand. Or that I am always worried about the future and that I am never able to focus on the present. I feel almost ashamed of myself, because I been told these things many time, and right now I feel like I have not listened. Is it because I am older now? That I am more mature? That the last time I have experienced something like this was when I was 12 years old?

What has helped me determine these things is making sure I was open to being vulnerable. I did hold my emotions in, but I was always making a mental note of what I was feeling. If you aren't open to your feelings and vulnerability, you will never know what you are feeling. All of us on this trip chose to do this, to make ourselves feel like this, and I am sure none of us are having regrets. If we don't allow ourselves to see it, it will always be unknown. In order to believe it, we need to see it.

I'm going to be truthful, and I'm scared to come home. As I will tell you my stories I know you will listen, but you won't understand, because you never saw it. I'm sure the same goes for me as well. I'm worrie dI will not be as happy as I was once I was here. The things that I do here, I would not do in the states. Because I am holding back. But I will try not to be standing as if I were on a pedestal. But its hard to hold back. Its going to be hard for me to change, the way I want to eventually be. I'm coming home ready to share the love.

The children here are amazing. They're happy, full of life in their living conditions. We went to a handicapped school, and my mind was so overloaded with thoughts and emotions, I was worried I was going to lose it, so I volunteered to file medical files. IT helped, I am not allowing myself to keep an emotional reaction. I don't know what it feels like.

Yes, you may be thinking, "Maryam, there's stuff like this in the U.S., this all happens in the U. S., but my question to you is, have you seen it with your own eyes? Have you put yourselves in that situation? Making yourselves vulnerable and in that uncomfortable position? Try it sometime, you might surprise yourself.