"If you want to do it, you'll make time for it."

So yesterday and today's discussion was heavy. It left me emotional, confused, and worried. Today was was about an exercise relating to family, occupation, and community (or public) life? What truly matters to me? Yesterday was passion and capabilities regarding different terms of leadership. Here's what was discussed and questions that I have for myself.

I'm terrified to become a big kid.

Why is it that I'm scared?

Why is that I do not know what my passion is?

Why is it that I can go out and be vulnerable somewhere else and not at home?

Am I too scared to commit?

Is your passion really about you? Is it your purpose?

There should really be no ambiguity in what I want to do. Why was I happier here? Is it because I live simply here?

I think I'm scared because everything is being thrown at me all at once. I'm not ready to change and I do not adapt to change very well. Since everything is being thrown at me all at once I can't figure out what my passion is. Maybe I am trying to be vulnerable is because I was told to be vulnerable. Your passion really isn't about you, it could be your purpose, it is really what you all want it to be.

I was asked the question before I left, "Maryam, do you love yourself?" I said, "sometimes". Then it hit me a couple of hours later, in order to love someone, I need to love myself. I need to work on being happy with myself. I am more happy with myself than I have been in a long time here. In order to work with others I must know and understand myself. Too bad its taking me 20+ years to figure that out. But will I ever understand myself? Thats a good question "Maryam".

It was a realization. It hurt. It felt good. I'll spend time on my college career, I'll do things because I want to. And I'm scared to come back to the states. This is my last blog entry before I come home. I don't want to forget what I have learned here. I don't want to forget my experiences. I don't want to forget and lost touch with the wonderful people I have been traveling with. I don't want to explain my experiences jaded and I don't want you to explain them to others jaded. There was two experiences, I was tourist and I was a learner in the townships. Don't expect to ask me, "How was South Africa?" and get a complete answer. It'll be too hard to explain all of what I'm feeling. Ask specific questions. But it will be hard for me to talk about.

My only problem is, how do I implement what I learned here into my lifestyle back home? I ask of you that are reading this, if I need to sit and think, just sit there with me. Just roll with me here. I'm lost. And once reading this, it sounds like I am lost.

Here goes nothing, I'm heading back into reality, and I'm not ready to face it yet. So much for being happy for a while. :)