And I'm back...

Its 8:00 in the morning on Sunday (Happy Father's Day Dad!), and I'm already back at work. I came home yesterday around 1:30.

I had a conversation with my sister Sarah yesterday about my experience while at the airport. I had questions for her because the times when we traveled to Bangladesh, she was my age and I asked her how she felt coming back. She told me about materialism, she learned something new about herself every time she came back, and told me to try not to fall back into the society we live in. She said it's really hard. And she knows she has done it and still does it. She says that the little things really don't matter to her anymore. (Sarah I'm sorry if you're reading this... ha.) It hit me. I hadn't really started crying until then, after I got off the phone with her, right before we boarded onto the plane in JFK. Like you all already know, I'm scared. Do I really have to have a reminder every once in a while to help me realize that I am a lucky person for the opportunities I am able receive? I really hope this just stays constant.

It's hard from hanging and living with 17 people, to by myself. It's like a part of myself was already gone. These 17 people created so many memories and joys in my life, that it is going to be weird to not see them every day. I thank Kimmy and Robbie for being around yesterday, otherwise I would have had a hard time by myself.

So back to reality where things haven't changed. From the outside I may not have changed. But there are and will be experiences that I just won't come out and tell you that has helped change me. There will be things that I don't want to do, and you will want an explanation, and I'm not going to give you one. Its because of what has happened in South Africa to me. It's all about implementing everything I've learned there, into this society here. That will be the hardest part.

It's not going to happen within a snap in a second. But it needs to happen soon enough that I won't forget. But I think just looking at the 17 other people I shared this experience with, it will help me remember. I had an immediate connection in some shape or form with every single one of them.

I've shared some stories with a few people in particular already, and I thank them for listening to me. I hope it makes you try to go and experience something I did, because I am beginning to think if people have the slightest opportunity to do so, they should. I've learned a lot more about myself than I expected. It's the quote again I was raised with, "It's not what you do, what you eat, or what you wear, it's who you really are." Thanks Dad. I have come to realize I am thankful for the culture that I was raised with and how my parents chose to do it. I hope I can do the same for my future family, because it helped me a lot on this experience.

I may keep writing in here from time to time. To talk about things I experience here. Because let me tell you, seeing this big new copier/printer (two of them) at work this morning at 5:45 kind of threw me off edge a little. I didn't think the purchase was necessary. Riham saw me annoyed, but I left my thoughts inside of me.

"If you want to do it, you'll make time for it."

So yesterday and today's discussion was heavy. It left me emotional, confused, and worried. Today was was about an exercise relating to family, occupation, and community (or public) life? What truly matters to me? Yesterday was passion and capabilities regarding different terms of leadership. Here's what was discussed and questions that I have for myself.

I'm terrified to become a big kid.

Why is it that I'm scared?

Why is that I do not know what my passion is?

Why is it that I can go out and be vulnerable somewhere else and not at home?

Am I too scared to commit?

Is your passion really about you? Is it your purpose?

There should really be no ambiguity in what I want to do. Why was I happier here? Is it because I live simply here?

I think I'm scared because everything is being thrown at me all at once. I'm not ready to change and I do not adapt to change very well. Since everything is being thrown at me all at once I can't figure out what my passion is. Maybe I am trying to be vulnerable is because I was told to be vulnerable. Your passion really isn't about you, it could be your purpose, it is really what you all want it to be.

I was asked the question before I left, "Maryam, do you love yourself?" I said, "sometimes". Then it hit me a couple of hours later, in order to love someone, I need to love myself. I need to work on being happy with myself. I am more happy with myself than I have been in a long time here. In order to work with others I must know and understand myself. Too bad its taking me 20+ years to figure that out. But will I ever understand myself? Thats a good question "Maryam".

It was a realization. It hurt. It felt good. I'll spend time on my college career, I'll do things because I want to. And I'm scared to come back to the states. This is my last blog entry before I come home. I don't want to forget what I have learned here. I don't want to forget my experiences. I don't want to forget and lost touch with the wonderful people I have been traveling with. I don't want to explain my experiences jaded and I don't want you to explain them to others jaded. There was two experiences, I was tourist and I was a learner in the townships. Don't expect to ask me, "How was South Africa?" and get a complete answer. It'll be too hard to explain all of what I'm feeling. Ask specific questions. But it will be hard for me to talk about.

My only problem is, how do I implement what I learned here into my lifestyle back home? I ask of you that are reading this, if I need to sit and think, just sit there with me. Just roll with me here. I'm lost. And once reading this, it sounds like I am lost.

Here goes nothing, I'm heading back into reality, and I'm not ready to face it yet. So much for being happy for a while. :)

Why should I have to justify?

So it has been a while since I posted, I am sorry. Which is interesting because I have had more time on my hands than I usually do. We are back in Mowbray (our residence, we are in a suburb of Cape Town), and its been back at UCT working with Aaron on why we are here. We are trying to apply leadership to all of the experiences we have had so far. Those are the mornings, with lots of shopping (yikes) and getting last minute things/souveneirs before we leave.

A lot of us were thinking of taking up the opportunity to stay, but 1. I am out of money, 2. I need to go back to reality at some point, and 3. It ended up being much more money than I had thought because NWA is a pain.

So what have we been doing at night? Some went to Counting Crows on Tuesday, and I chose to stay in and hang out with some others and we came up with the question, why should you always have to justify your reasoning? Or why do I always feel like I have to? Is it for self-fulfillment? Do people really need to know? No not really. Are many of us being vulnerable? What do you think everyone's definition of vulnerability?

Its hard because we are all at different places here. We're in different positions of where we are in life. Katie and I were talking about how we are some of the younger one's on the trip, and sometimes we do feel actually sometimes the maturity level does make us seem younger. Or we just are at a different stage in our life.

On Monday also we had heard about Kate's (a student and sorority sister) experience when she was in Kenya. She has been studying there this whole semester. She gave some commonalities and differences between SA and Kenya. She talked about how HIV/AIDS is less prevalent in Kenya but more in South Africa. 1 in 5 is infected with HIV in the SA. Women are more at risk in Kenya and SA because more women are raped in Kenya, and many think in SA that if you sleep with a virgin you will not get HIV. I know we have our opinions of Bush, but I be happy he has given money to the continent of Africa. From what I got, it seems as if Kenya is a little less developed than SA, then why does SA have such a higher population of those infected with HIV?

I will blog about yesterday a little later on today. I am about to head to class. Then there is a brie (BBQ) this afternoon for a going away for us, then its out for TJ's birthday. And tomorrow, and pack and back home. I've been noticing I'm talking about home a lot lately, and I think its time for me to come home and processed all of what happened. But I'm still trying to stay in the moment.

"They live life so simple."

I woke up the second day in Guguletu warm, rested, and ready for another day. It was the first night I had slept more than 6 hours, not to mention sharing a bed with Elisa probably made things MUCH warmer. We both were sick and she had plenty of medicine here, which I should tell you that they do sell codine off the counter here. Which I find funny, and trust me, it works. I am thankful she was my homestay buddy.

Thobeka and Sonazi both were gone so Elisa and I locked up, and headed to our speakers again. Did you know that South Africa has two different lines of ARVs and the U.S. has 50? That is why they wait so long to go on ARVs because if one line doesn't work, they have only one last choice to get them to work. Its like you only have two chances. Thats it. The disability grant is 750 rand per month, which is about 100 dollars. This grant is difficult to obtain. I'd go into detail about the government because its so shocking, they just don't even care.

Then it was time to talk about leadership for a bit, and I got partnered with Laurie. Her and I were supposed to discuss controversy with civility and our definition of this was handling conflict within a group in a positive format, using it to advance a group. And of course we are comparing South Africa and Minnesota. Why is it that people choose to ignore issues before it is too late? Is it the culture? Is it considered a taboo? Is it because it isn't accepted? Just some food for thought.

We went back to Priscilla's and brought toys and fed her family by making her lunch. It felt good. But I was irritated at the same time at that moment. We had children coming in that were not hers and were taking the toys. I thought in my head, "these are supposed to be for Priscilla's children, but I can't take them away from them." So I let that thought go, and said I'm helping not just her family but the community. I felt awful for thinking what I was thinking afterwards, but I let my immediate reaction hit me. Which is good, because its funny how quick your thoughts can change. It shows that I'm growing.

Then it was Rainbow center and fractions (UGH, teaching them is hard but I succeeded, luckily I love kids), fabulous dinner again, and back to Thobeka's. I just want to say there was one child that was just sitting there not working on his homework. So I asked him if he needed help, and another boy goes to me, "He doesn't have a pen to write with." I told him, "Here take my pen, I don't need it." The next day, I still saw him with the same pen. It hit me in the heart. I was expecting him to lose that pen. It's amazing how well a 10 year old can take care of just one thing here.

I decided tonight was going to be my night to ask many questions to Thobeka. She was in a great mood, we sat and had tea (which is so much better than coffee by the way). I don't know what happened to her husband, but I do know she was married and she said that was that. By the way, it is very common for men to leave their significant others in this country. (This is my assumption by the way.) She inherited the house she lives in by a family she once worked for, she quit school to work for her sisters so she could send them to school, she supports her nieces because her sisters are now dead, and she has her Sonazi living with her. Yes, this woman has done many things for her family. But what has she done for herself? Is this her self-fulfillment? This woman is very reserved. I've decided it was the generational gap we had here. Many of the other homestay mothers were younger, and this woman is a little older than the others.

By the way, August 9th is Sonazi's birthday, along with Women's day. I do not know WHY we don't have this in the states, but its necessary, so Elisa and I will be celebrating Women's day from now on.

Another by the way, South Africa has amazing literature. I spent time in a bookstore (we know they are my weakness), and I had to force myself to go to the checkout to buy the books. Maryam has a lot of reading to do this summer.

I spent time after church today with Aaron, Jesse, Hilary, and Elisa on a hunt for something. We were halfway successful. I'm not allowed to tell you though, its part of my surprise. We ended up sitting in a pub talking about the experiences on this trip and what it will be like when we get back.

Tomorrow, back to class, Green Market Square, MonkeyBiz, and my surprise. Its so weird to be back in reality. I keep thinking about how 10 km away there's shacks in a township and the distance between that I was doing a wine tour. It is two different worlds here. Or is it two worlds everywhere and it takes one to get out of your comfort zone to do it?

"We are all going to learn what if."

So Tuesday is when we brought all of our donated items to Guguletu for the community center. I had Johnson and Johnson sponsor me, and gave me this full suitcase of medical supplies. I want to thank Bonnie for using her special packing skills, because I couldn't get some of the boxes of Children's Motrin out of the suitcase. Here's a picture.



We were all exhausted after donating everything. And I'm thinking, it was one of the first things that made us feel like we actually could help with something here for once.

Our usual structure during the next following days are lectures in the mornings and home visits in the afternoon, with an amazing lunch from the community center, dinner by a homestay family, and spend the night and evenings with our homestay families.

Yvonne was our first lecturer. She is a reverend and works with donation items and makes many visits to homes. She talks about how 100 dollars will last for four days for a family that has nothing. For a while she worked as an AIDS worker, and she works with donated items, because she looks and thinks of happiness, for the children. She said she doesn't have an answer for what is happening, its difficult to talk about HIV/AIDS in church, and that sex is considered a taboo, and people are never taught about relationships. She says she is not in an emotionally good place and it is hard for her to keep that balance. I can imagine. Yikes.

Now the discussion starts to get really heavy. Nombeko comes and talks to us, she is a member of the congregation and support group. She was gang raped in 1997, and became HIV positive. She has a 17 year old son, and is now watching after a 2 and a 1/2 year old. She describes what happened to her as her soul being taken away. It was a trama for her and her family, she became mentally ill, and eventually came over that barrier with that persistance that she needed. The only thing she regrets is that she said she would have rather been with her partner, because then it would've been nice. I teared up at that point. Can you imagine getting the disease and you didn't even have a choice? I chose to ask her a question and I asked her, "How do you deal with others and their feelings once they are infected?" She responded, "It's your choice to live or die with HIV." This woman is so happy, and thinks she is inevitable. And I admire her for that. She does not go around anymore feeling sorry for herself, and I think that is something many of us should start keeping in mind, including myself.

After those two heavy lectures, we had an amazing lunch and started our home visits. Words will not do justice about what I have seen, but I will talk about one woman in particular. This woman has 11 children in her home. Her name is Priscilla and she has two of her own, and the rest are foster children. Now I don't know if you know, but the government gives 210 rand per month for each child, that means it is about 30 dollars. PER MONTH. She has only two beds for this whole family of hers, and is trying to make ends meet. Again, the children hit me because they were so happy to see everyone. Here is a picture of some shacks that people live in here. Priscilla has a house, but it has a bathroom, living room, kitchen, and one bed room.


So after visits we had the options of going to an HIV support group (I went, but the frustrations I dealt with some Americans made me want to throw a shoe at them, I will explain later. But below is a picture of Thandile. Thandile is 6 years old, and she learning how to read and write. This girl did not have a place to sit at a table, so I sat next to her, and did not have a sharp pencil with an eraser on it. But of course, she was still happy as usual.

Then it was a fabulous dinner at my mama's house (ThoBeka), dancing (Chicken dance, no, not the one in the states), and we didn't get to talk to our mother that much because she was so tired. So Sonazi tried to teach Elisa and I some of the Xhosa language and clicks. I will tell you this, I did not succeed.

Then it was off for another heavy day of emotion. Elisa and I were pooped and in bed by 9:30.

Today I was wine touring, and Mom and Dad you'll love what I got you. HOpefully it makes it back to the states. I'm off to church tomorrow and a surprise. Yay, love surprises.

Its weird to be back in what my life is here, compared to what I have experienced this past week. It was weird to go out to bars last night, knowing I had money to spend. I'm glad I came back earlier with Brian and Hilary, because I wasn't ready to head back to reality yet. I haven't hit a low yet on this trip, and it hit me today during our wine tour. During study abroad you hit a bump at one point. It starts off loving life and being excited, to a low point, and back up again. Then when you get back you have a low point again. I hit my low point today. I wasn't talking, I was bitter, compared to my mood yesterday running around, to today not talking was definitely my sign. There's so much to process in my brain, that I do not know where to start.

"We are vulnerable because we chose to be"

I decided to enter my immediate feelings once I got back from the Township. You will hear about each day, as the following week goes on. But, here's my immediate reaction?

You may get a lot of different tones while reading this entry from me. If you have been reading this blog, many of you know I have not had access to a computer because I was in the township of Guguletu. I've learned a lot of things about myself, and I think it is about time I share them with you. I'll enter the days of Gugs day by day, because you'll get sick of me and think, "geez Maryam, it is true, you do talk a lot."

Many of you may not know this, but in the past six months, I do not remember the last time I have laughed so hard. While being at the township and in Cape Town this far, I can not tell you how much I have laughed throughout this trip. In one of the leadership papers I have wrote, I said when I look back on the life I have lived I said I wanted to make sure I was happy. For the couple of months I haven't been, except for these past few weeks. I thank everyone in my group, Aaron, and everyone that I have met here for that.

While waiting in line for lunch one day, I stood next to Edwin, the director of the community center. He told me, "You act so comfortable here. You are very culturally exposed, why is that?" I told him my background and where I've traveled and he immediately understood. Later that day I thought, how come am I so comfortable here, and not in the U.C.? Is it because I don't put myself in the uncomfortable position? Am I not open to being vulnerable? He asked what I want to do, and I told him my ideas about Human Resources and Family Social Science, and he goes, with the cultural experiences you have had so far you would be great. I am often one that feels they need to be praised without asking for it, and hearing that really hit home for me.

During the homestays I have had here, I can not express the amount of love that was shown to me. Guguletu I can call my second home. THe body language that has been shown to me, and I've never voluntarily helped so much in a home and happy to do it, makes me feel like I am such a snot to not want to do it at home. It is almost as if I do not give enough. They live so simple here, I did not have running hot water here the whole time, and I thought about how much I take things for granted. For some people, it is a big deal to use newspaper as toilet paper. That women here don't even use feminine products if they're not able to purchase. Here I am, stocking for a whole school year. Or knowing that I do have a meal coming at me and thinking some people have to search for money to buy their meal before hand. Or that I am always worried about the future and that I am never able to focus on the present. I feel almost ashamed of myself, because I been told these things many time, and right now I feel like I have not listened. Is it because I am older now? That I am more mature? That the last time I have experienced something like this was when I was 12 years old?

What has helped me determine these things is making sure I was open to being vulnerable. I did hold my emotions in, but I was always making a mental note of what I was feeling. If you aren't open to your feelings and vulnerability, you will never know what you are feeling. All of us on this trip chose to do this, to make ourselves feel like this, and I am sure none of us are having regrets. If we don't allow ourselves to see it, it will always be unknown. In order to believe it, we need to see it.

I'm going to be truthful, and I'm scared to come home. As I will tell you my stories I know you will listen, but you won't understand, because you never saw it. I'm sure the same goes for me as well. I'm worrie dI will not be as happy as I was once I was here. The things that I do here, I would not do in the states. Because I am holding back. But I will try not to be standing as if I were on a pedestal. But its hard to hold back. Its going to be hard for me to change, the way I want to eventually be. I'm coming home ready to share the love.

The children here are amazing. They're happy, full of life in their living conditions. We went to a handicapped school, and my mind was so overloaded with thoughts and emotions, I was worried I was going to lose it, so I volunteered to file medical files. IT helped, I am not allowing myself to keep an emotional reaction. I don't know what it feels like.

Yes, you may be thinking, "Maryam, there's stuff like this in the U.S., this all happens in the U. S., but my question to you is, have you seen it with your own eyes? Have you put yourselves in that situation? Making yourselves vulnerable and in that uncomfortable position? Try it sometime, you might surprise yourself.

"There is not one black person that is accepted in this world."

I apologize for not writing in a long time. All of us have been going, going, and a lot of us are starting to get a little run down. I will admit, I am getting a runny nose. But that doesn't stop me. Not yet.

I just want to talk about the driving for a short moment. I don't know why I have not noticed it yet, maybe because I've been admiring the beautiful scenery and looking at houses and people etc. But, our shuttle drivers (Shafiek and Craig, and no his name is not SHAFREAK, thats another embarressing story of mine I need to tell you) have almost hit people in the middle of the road at like 4 times now that I have noticed. They just keep driving, expecting the pedestrians to move out of the way. But, I don't think pedestrians have the right of way in South Africa. Everytime I watch the road, there's a gasp and I grabbed onto TJ and Nate I was so worried we were going to hit this child. So, another note to self: just keep admiring the beautiful scenery.

So Saturday I went on a safari. Which was very fun. I will say the coolest thing I had seen were giraffes, and two males were "practice fighting". They do this and fight with their long necks, but since they are so young, they call it practicing and playing. I might have a video of it, so I'll post it on this blog if I have time. Also, it was Nate's birthday the night before, but since we had to get up so early, we went to our first African restaurant to celebrate and had a night out on the town. TJ and I shared calimari, pasta, and cheesecake. There was live music. Night life is different here than it is in the States. You get pickpocketed so easily there. Not to mention the crime rate is pretty high here.

Sunday was my first day in Gugalethu. We attended a church service and I must say I had the best feeling inside of me after the service was done. I don't know if it was because I hadn't been to church in a while, but Chief if you are reading this, from our talk before I left, I feel like I had experienced the same thing you had. The music was amazing, they have such rhythm, and its just so much warmer than the churches that I have attended. I also met my host mom, Thombeka. This woman is 55, and lives with her grand daughter. She works in Cape Town and travels by taxi. She is such a warm, genuine person. I can not wait to hear about her stories and share them with you. The rest of the day was spent at the waterfront, we had to get some last minute things, and last but not least, I got to go see Sex and the City movie. I loved it. I recommend it, and Stella and I wanted to buy another ticket to watch it again after we had just seen it. Let's just say, two tickets is the equivalent to one in the States.

And today. Today was our first full day in the township. It started off with three lecturers, a fabulous performance group, one of the best meals I've eaten so far, a tour of Gugs (what the locals call the township), and spending time with children in an after-school program. The title of this blog is a quote from one of the lectures, the reverend of the church we are working with this following week. He said it was a realization he had come to. I was shocked to hear this statement, but as I start to ponder through my mind I almost think this makes sense. In order to make a difference in our lifes, we are responsible for our own lives, and no one can change it but us. He said we need to have people dream, to think that they have the potential. And this one was one of my favorites from Spiwo, "if you can't see far, you won't get far." I actually agree. It reminds me of dad's quote that he tells me, about hope, if you have hope you can dream. You can get anywhere with hope.

Another man we talked to was Edwin. Edwin is the head of the community center. Very nice man. He comes from a mixed mother with a Xhosa father. His goal is to see change in the community, wants to contribute positively, but HOW does he do that? He says you need to start with yourself, take the opporutnity, and you won't really ever know what to expect. You can always hate, but how does that open new avenues and windows for you to enter. I REALLY like this man.

A discussion happened, and I want you to ask yourself these questions as you read this. How are we any different from the people here? What do we all do to prove ourselves? How do we determine what type of success is good? Is it embaressing? Throughout this discussion, I basically went on a rampage (I was VERY frustrated and thinking in my head and just let it out) We are looking at a culture, and thinking it is so different, but its probably the same here. We have not evaluated our culture yet. We don't know what we have.

Just picture this. A floor that is covered with different types of wood, plastic and linoleum. The siding of your house is metal. Your whole house is twice the size of your standard bathroom. You share a room with all of your family members. Your bike is hanging in your living room. You have one chair to sit on and a bed too. But that bed is supposed to be slept on. There are tires on the roof to hold down the roof from flying off. There's no backyard, no side walk, the wall next door is another shack, another family, in another living similar living situation. Again, I do have pictures.

That is a common house hold. But the house we visited, was of a seventeen year old girl who is taking care of her younger brother who is either 11 or 9 (I can't remember sorry). Her parents died two years ago, and she is left to take care of her brother. She was being denied from schools until the community center found out about the two and is helping them out.

And, I'll say this, and I have pictures, some shacks were forced to leave because they had to clean up the sidewalks and roads, because Gugs is a main way to get to the world cup from the airport. Now where did those people go?

One last thing about today. Sometimes I think I should be a family social science major, here's why, I LOVE KIDS. Beth, I thought about you today because I know you like them. The afterschool program is to help them with homework and give children the resources they need. I worked with a girl, Thandile, and how to write "This is a boy" and pronunciation over and over again. I have a picture of here, I have yet to upload pictures. Which I might just have to do. No, I'm getting sick, nevermind. They are just happy spirits, and being with them makes me forget hardships and want to be with them ALL the time.

The past days I have been doing a lot of thinking and feeling. I am trying to be vulnerable and putting myself in that uncomfortable position. I am known to be a thinker, but I don't always put myself in that uncomfortable position, hence the title of my blog. The question came up by Elisa, "What do you hope to get from this trip?" My thoughts were, building better relationships with people, deciding on a damn major, and finding that faith. And last but not least, having that personal growth in a global perspective. My thoughts are starting to evolve. And I can't quite put my finger on how to incorporate that into my lifestyle. But that could probably take a while I think.


Just a reminder to you all that I won't be posting until Friday night. I'll be writing down instances that occur, but I don't have a computer until then. I might get to my email because there is a computer center there, so we will see. This is what I have been waiting for. Wish me luck.

Again, pictures and giraffe video to come.